The Fury Theories
by LoquaciousQuibbler
Summary: A Misadventure of the Avengers. The Avengers just don't get why Fury is the way he is… and they like to come up with wild theories and opinions on the subjects of his trench coat, bald head, and eyepatch. Includes OC Naomi Carson. Super funny, if I do say so myself. Rated T for some language.


Dear Reader: this is a Misadventure of the Avengers. This means that it is one of many random stories for entertainment value only. This Misadventure will include my Original Character, Naomi Carson. You don't necessarily have to read my fan fiction starring her… just know that she, in the fan fiction, is an Avenger. Keep in mind that the Misadventures are purely entertainment, and don't necessarily have anything to do with the actual Avengers storyline. The Misadventures are meant purely to entertain the insanely bored Avengers fans, like myself. Guess that's all… continue… at your own risk. O.O

Nick Fury.

The seven Avengers lounged in Stark Tower, as they had just gotten back from a mission.

Nick Fury walked in, looking irritated. "What are you all doing, lazing around? Don't you have debriefings to go through?"

The group looked up disinterestedly.

"Do we have to?" Tony asked. "We just got back. Give us a little time to relax, Cyclops."

Nick narrowed his eye, enough anger in the one eye to make up for the missing one. "You all have ten minutes, and then I'd better see you in the debriefing room. Bunch of lazy superheroes; what the hell kind of invincible heroes are you?"

"Lazy ones," Clint input with a smirk.

Nick rolled his eye and walked out, muttering about impossible employees.

"What's that guy's problem, anyway?" Steve asked as the end of the black trench coat disappeared around the corner.

"Who knows? Fury's always in a bad mood," Banner shrugged.

"I don't really see why," Thor mused. "Are we not entertaining and enjoyable people to be around?"

Natasha raised her eyebrows and looked around. "Sometimes. Sometimes not. Though I really don't see what Nick has to complain about."

"Agreed," Naomi Carson nodded. "I mean, he wasn't kidnapped by a mad scientist and injected with a serum that gives unwanted powers while his sister and parents were murdered. Also, he wasn't kidnapped by terrorists and had to have an arc reactor implanted to replace a heart. He wasn't frozen for seventy years after being thrust into a whirlwind time of suddenly being a superhero. He wasn't accidentally given a radiation experiment that makes him turn into a green rage monster every time he gets ticked off—"

"Thank goodness for that," Stark input. "Cuz he's angry all the time, am I right?"

Everyone murmured agreement.

"Also, he wasn't hypnotized by Loki to do his bidding, whether he felt like it was the right thing to do or not," Clint added. "He wasn't forced to see his own brother become a villain and have to defeat him, and he wasn't a Russian assassin who had to turn good, but still feels remorse for what he did."

"Think that covers everyone," Stark said, flipping upside down so that his head hung off the edge of the couch and his feet draped over the back.

Steve shoved Stark's feet away from his face. "Still, the guy probably had some kind of stuff happen in his life. I mean, after all, he is the leader of a top-secret spy organization. I doubt he just one day in his jolly little perfect life said, 'Hay, you know what'd be a cool idea? A top-secret spy organization that makes a team of superheroes and has to defend Earth from invading extraterrestrials. Yeah, that's what I wanna do with my life.' You know what I mean? He had to get thrust into that kind of life somehow, and it probably wasn't something easy to go through."

Everyone shrugged.

"You're always so determined to see the good in everyone, though, Steve," Natasha sighed, stretching her legs out in front of her. "Nick can be irritating. Simple as that."

"From his shiny bald head to his leather boot-clad toes," Bruce nodded.

"Speaking of leather," Clint said, sitting up a little straighter. "How can one guy wear like fifty pounds of the stuff?"

"It's not that hard," Thor shrugged. "I know many warriors in Asgard who wear as much as Director Fury does, and more."

"Yeah, but that's different. That's Asgardian stuff. Here on Earth, unless you're a motor biker, keep the leather to maybe boots and a jacket. And maybe a belt. Any more is too much. And that _trench coat!_" Naomi said, her eyes widening as she mentioned his trench coat. "Dear lord, I don't know how the guy can even wear it."

"I don't care so much as how he manages to wear it," Natasha said eagerly. "What I want to know is _why _he wears so much leather."

They contemplated silently for a moment.

"I've got it!" Naomi exclaimed, snapping her fingers and looking around at the others with a mischievous grin. "Okay, so I bet that how he got thrust into the world of spy work was… a giant alligator tried to take over the world, and he killed it with his bare hands. And then he made a trench coat out of it. And now he feels obliged to wear the skin of his enemy to remind himself of his past," She collapsed into a heap as she laughed her head off for a moment while everyone else just exchanged eye rolls.

"Yeah, and I suppose he lost his eye in the battle with said alligator," Steve rolled his eyes as Naomi started to catch her breath again.

"You know, I don't know if anyone actually knows how he lost his eye," Natasha mused. "It's always just kind of… been gone. Makes things a little awkward when you say things like 'close your eyes… um, eye.'" She smirked as everyone snickered.

"Still, it makes it really easy to make up nicknames for him," tony said brightly.

"Yeah, I caught the Cyclops thing," Naomi grinned. "I got one to top it, though."

Everyone looked at her with interest.

"You know, next time you see him, just call out 'Ahoy there, matey!'" Naomi mock saluted, adopting a pirate accent. Everyone laughed uproariously, except Thor.

"I take offense in your finding Director Fury's missing eye amusing," he said, looking disapprovingly at the laughing Avengers. "Odin the Allfather has only one eye, and also wears an eye patch."

Everyone abruptly stifled their laughter, though still finding it hard not to snicker at the thought of calling him Captain Fury and asking him if he'd seen the Kraken recently.

"Sorry, Thor," Steve apologized. "It's not funny, you're right."

Clint let out a cough that sounded an awful lot like "Beg to differ", but said nothing.

"So how do you guys think he lost his eye, anyway?" Bruce asked.

"Told you already; lost it in a fight with an evil world-dominating alligator," Tony said, winking.

"I'm guessing something along the lines of a puncture wound in some mission when he was younger," Clint put in.

I agree," Thor said. "It was probably a battle wound."

They were quiet, thoughtful for a moment.

"Probably some horrible chopstick accident," Naomi whispered, feigning a horrified voice.

Everyone burst into another fit of giggles.

"Good God, that would hurt," Natasha laughed.

"It was a fateful night," Tony said in a deep, mournful voice. "Fury had just ordered his usual takeout from Chang Li's Authentic Chinese…"

Everyone laughed even harder.

It took quite a while for them all to calm down.

"While we're on the subject of making fun of the Director," Steve said conversationally. "Any thoughts on his shiny bald head?"

Everyone fought back more giggles.

"Maybe he's just balding and doesn't want people to make fun of it, so he just shaves it all off?" Banner suggested, holding back a snort as he thought of Nick fury with a head of thinning hair.

"Can't be," Naomi shook her head. "I've known him for eight years. He's _never _had hair. Always had his head shaved bald."

"Maybe he thinks it looks cool," Tony said, feigning thoughtfulness before bursting into a fit of laughter with the rest of them.

"Ah, I will admit that that was a good jest, Stark," Thor said, wiping a tear from his blue eyes. "Indeed, his shiny bald head looking, as you mortals call it, _cool… _Very amusing."

"Maybe he somehow lost the capacity to grow hair," Steve said, stifling laughter. "That's possible, isn't it, Bruce?"

Bruce nodded. "Yeah, if you damage the pores enough… scar tissue, extreme heat, chemicals, you name it. It's definitely possible. Though how he would manage to do any of those things and have it only happen to his scalp is beyond me."

"Kinda fun to think about, though," Natasha added.

They were silent, trying to think of ways that Nick fury had lost the capacity to grow hair on his scalp.

"Probably some horrible blow dryer accident," Naomi whispered, almost choking as she tried not to laugh as she said it.

Everyone laughed uproariously.

"You and your horrible accidents, Naomi," Bruce laughed, shaking his head as Steve collapsed against him, trying to find a way to fill his lungs with air despite his laughter.

Suddenly, Nick Fury himself strode back into the room, looking (no pun intended) furious.

Everyone immediately fell silent as he glared at them.

Smirking, they all exchanged looks.

"Ahoy there, matey!" they all said in unison, lifting their hands in salute as they spoke in pirate voices. Every single one of them burst into laughter, the only exception being the director.

He waited impatiently for them to quiet down, a muscle twitching in his jaw as he tried very hard to not lose his already mounting temper. "Not amused," he said as their laughter slowly died down.

They all pretended to look sorry, though they obviously weren't.

"It has now been eleven minutes since I was last in here," Nick said.

They all blinked. "And?" Naomi asked.

"And I told you that you all had ten minutes," he said through gritted teeth.

"Ten minutes before what?" Tony asked, still looking blank as the rest of them.

"You are supposed to be being debriefed," Nick reminded them.

"Whoa, whoa, Nick," tony said, holding up his hands. "Look, I'm flattered you want to debrief me, but I don't really swing that way, and I'm already in a relationship with pepper, and I don't think she'd really approve of—"

"_Stark!" _Fury shouted, cutting off whatever else the smart mouth was going to say.

But now everyone else was rolling on the ground with laughter, no longer even trying to contain themselves.

"Once you've all gotten ahold of yourselves," Nick growled. "You can all march your asses up to the debriefing room."

Naomi popped up from where she was rolling on the ground with Thor and said, "Aye, aye, Captain!"

And everyone started laughing anew, their faces turning red.

It took another full minute before they all stood up and filed out of the room, heading up to be debriefed. They kept snickering, and Clint kept muttering that his cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

Nick glared at them all with his one eye as they traipsed away.

"Hey, Director?" Bruce asked, pausing in the doorway, the last one to leave.

"Yes, Dr.?" Fury asked, his arms crossed over his chest and his foot tapping irritably on the floor.

"How did you lose your eye?" Banner asked.

Nick stared at the doctor… but his mind had travelled to long ago and far away.

An eight year old Nick Fury unwrapped a present he had found under the Christmas tree. "I know what it is!" he said excitedly and he tore off the paper. And it was exactly what he had hoped for: a red Rider beebee gun. As soon as he could, he was going to take it outside and shoot it, despite all the warnings everyone had given him about shooting his eye out.

"Director?" Bruce prompted.

Nick blinked his one eye, his mind snapping back to the present time in Stark Tower. "Battle wound," he said shortly before stalking out of the room.

Bruce met up with the others outside the debriefing room. "Yeah, it was a chopstick accident," he said, nodding knowingly to the others, who simply smirked.

Note from LoquaciousQuibbler: Oh, my God… this is like the stupidest thing I've ever written… and that's saying something. XD I was sitting here typing and laughing my head off as I'm typing it… I've got to give some credit to my best friend, Mary, from school. This is the kind of crap we talk about at lunch… kind of sad, actually lol. Anyways, I simply find this thing hilarious, despite its absolute pointlessness and stupidity. Tony and Naomi are my two favorite people to write… they make everything so funny. I tried to make every Avenger have a little part in this Misadventure… but Iron man and the Huntress kind of were the predominant ones. Anyways, please let me know how bad you all hate my stupid sense of humor in the reviews. :P


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